When things are broken

It makes me really sad when things get broken or damaged.  Today I dropped my phone on a brick and the edge of the phone got dented.  Now I'm really sad because it's less than perfect.  I know that this is a trivial problem and I could console myself with the fact that at least the screen is still intact and everything is working fine.  But I'm still sad about the damage. 

I've written about this before.  Not in a blogpost, but in an old journal.  In year 12 I accidentally cracked the spine of a new book and was really sad about it.  It was ridiculous to be that sad about a book, and I knew that.  I reflected then about what it says about me that I felt like a book with a cracked spine was now 'ruined'.  The new book was less lovely because of its flaw.  I didn't really come up with an answer back then, I just hoped that I would get over it.  And of course I did get over it. 

So I was thinking today.  Who doesn't get upset when something is broken or damaged?  Of course it depends on the original value of the object, not just monetary value but sentimental, and use value as well.  When things get broken we know this is bad, that something has gone wrong.  We have this innate knowledge that this shouldn't happen.  But it does happen.  We live in a broken world so of course things break and are damaged.   

But I think there is also something wrong with the fact that I love something like my phone so much.  I'm not always aware of how much I love things until they are damaged or destroyed.  There is idolatry in my heart, which too easily loves created things rather than the creator of all things.  

So I'm looking forward to a time when things won't get broken.  When I won't love things as much as I do because they won't come near to comparing to the joy I have in God and the wonder of worshiping him forever.

What to study next year

So you might know from a previous post that I won't be studying psychology next year.  But I've also been rethinking all of this since discovering a desire to be involved in pastoral care.

Not having gained a place in a psychology course, people expect that I will now apply for a counselling course.  This is fair enough; that's what I said I would do.  But I also started thinking about continuing at college.  And I couldn't let this idea go.

I would love to continue studying because I loved this year at college.  Just thinking about continuing made me excited.  I want to be equipped to be able to better answer people's questions about God, to teach the Bible well and to care for people in a distinctly Christian way.  I will never get a better opportunity than here and now to study theology and study it with J.

I also feel that if I studied counselling next year it would be because others want or expect me to and not because I wanted to.  I don't think this is a good way to decide what to do.

Choosing to study at college again next year is not the easy option in many ways, or at least not everything about it will be easy or enjoyable.  I will have to preach in women's chapel and I hate public speaking.  I'm sure philosophy will turn my head upside-down.  I'm not looking forward to the holiday homework or fighting the temptation to eat sweets at morning tea every day for the next two years.

When I told J that I had decided to continue at college and would email college to apply for this transfer he was really excited.  Until then he hadn't shown me exactly how he felt about me coming back to college, not wanting to sway my decision.

So that's it, I'm going back to college next year!  College has allowed me to transfer into the Bachelor of Theology which means I'll be at college for two more years.  I have to do a bridging assignment for church history, as well as the regular holiday work that everyone does.  I'll be busy doing that for the rest of my holidays, having not done any yet because I didn't have to!

I'm looking forward to what God will be teaching me while I'm at college and I hope you enjoy following my journey.

The husband and wife team at a uni conference

This week J and I got back from National Training Event (NTE) in Canberra, which is a conference for uni students from all over Australia (and some from overseas too).  It is the major conference of the Australian Fellowship of Evangelical Students (AFES) and all its affiliated uni clubs around Australia.  J and I were both part of one of these clubs while at uni, and while J did his ministry apprenticeship in 2011 and 2012.

I've been to NTE once before as a student and it was very different this year going as a Bible College student leading a Strand Group.   For one thing we had so much more free time because we weren't preparing to go on mission after the conference.  We used most of this free time to catch up with friends from Adelaide whom we hadn't seen in a long time, as well as spending some time with college friends (also attending as Strand Group leaders) whom we hadn't seen in a few weeks.  We were also glad for the chance to spend some time with J's sister who is currently living in Canberra. 

I really enjoyed leading the group with J, though at times I felt nervous about what I was saying knowing that he could pick me up on it!  He's also had more experience with our subject matter (Biblical Theology) because he ran a seminar on Biblical Theology when he was a ministry apprentice.  But I enjoyed being able to explain this to the students in our group, and see them grasp for the first time some things about how the story of the Bible fits together. 

We also heard some great talks, three of which were given by one of our New Testament Lecturer's from this year, who has now moved to the United States to work in a Theological College there.  But one of the big things that I learnt (or realised) while at NTE was something about myself.  I realised that what I want to do with my life is this: I want to pastorally care for people.  I'm not sure how else to put it.  I want to be able to walk with people as they go through life, help them in their struggles, listen to them and love them.  This is the desire that underlies my ideas about becoming a psychologist or a counsellor. 

I don't know where that leaves me or what kind of 'job' that might lead to.  A psychologist?  A women's worker in a church?  A school counsellor?  A chaplain?  A mother?  In any case, it's nice to have figured this out. 

Update on next year

This year of studying at Bible college is almost over.  We have finished classes and are now in a week of study before exams start.  I plan to write soon about why I enjoyed studying at Bible college, but I thought this would be a good time to update you on what my plans are for next year since lots of people have been asking me. 

I’ve applied for four  post-graduate psychology courses, two masters and two graduate diplomas in Professional Psychology, at three different institutions.  Unfortunately none of them are at the uni closest to Bible college because they didn’t offer either of these courses.  The applications closed at the end of October.

In late November or early December I will find out if I’ve scored an interview, which is based on my grades.  At the interview (assuming I get one) grades don’t play a part in whether or not I am offered a place.  I won’t find out about this until January next year. 

I plan on applying for a masters or graduate diploma of counselling to study next year in case I don’t get into any of the psychology courses.  I’m currently tossing up between two different institutions, one offering a masters and one offering a graduate diploma (both two years in duration). 

I hope that answers any questions you might have about what I’m doing next year.  J will start second year at Bible college and we’ll stay in the same house and same church.  J is actually starting a student minister internship there for two years.  Even though I don’t know what I’m doing, where I’ll be travelling to each day and what my timetable will look like, I trust that God has plans for me and that is enough right now.

Where's your career plan?

Sometimes I feel like I've mucked up my life.*  Well to be honest that's a bit dramatic.  If I think about it for more than a second I realise that what I really mean is that I feel like I've mucked up my career path.  I love everything else about my life.  I do not regret at all getting married to J at the time we did, or coming to college with him to study the Bible for a year.  

I feel like I haven't planned for my career or future study very well at all.  I've found myself thinking that I should have done something more productive with my year after honours and I berate myself that I didn't.  Then I remember that I did try to.  I tried to find work that was related to psychology and would give me some exposure or experience to help me on my way to studying masters.  But I was never hired for those jobs that I applied for.  Instead I got a job somewhere else.  Perhaps God used that job to teach me something, or develop my character or godliness.  But even if he didn't do any of this and my job last year was of no benefit to me whatsoever (which I don't think is true), it's not about me anyway!

I've realised that ultimately my career or job doesn't really matter at all.  What's more important, what God is concerned about, is that I glorify him.  There is no instruction in the Bible about what career I should have.  God knows what I will do, but he hasn't got one specific door for me to walk through and if I don't I fail at life.  I don't believe that there is one thing that God wants me to do and I have to ask him to reveal it to me. 

Maybe I haven't organised my life well enough to get into a psychology master program next year and follow the plans I had made for my life.  But what if this has given me the opportunity to reassess those plans?  What do you do when your dream changes?

I planned to continue study to become a psychologist some time during my second year of uni when I decided that I enjoyed learning about these theories of human behaviour and I didn't want to become a scientist (the other subjects I was studying at uni).  I was attracted to psychology because I found the subject fascinating and I want to be able to help people by talking through problems and listening to them.  

I feel like I can't change my dream of becoming a psychologist, like I'm betraying myself and the plans that I've tried to make.  Changing things now makes me feel like I'm drowning in the unknown next year.  But I shouldn't let the fact that I've been heading in this direction stop me from changing my mind or taking a detour.  Maybe I'll discover that the detour was the better way to go after all. 

I don't know if I'll get into a psychology course or not.  I don't know if I'm suited to the job anyway.  Maybe I'll try counselling first, or instead.  I just want to know how to listen well and have the skills to be able to help people with emotional problems.  But above all of this, I want to be glorifying God and serving him wherever I am.  That's what I want to focus my life on. 

*Note: I'm taking a leaf out of a college friend's book: because this post is a bit depressive it was not written on the day that I was feeling like this. 

The unknown next year

I don't really know what I'll be doing next year.  I have some plans, but there's no guarantee that they'll work out.  I have to admit that I'm a little bit jealous of my husband because he knows exactly what he'll be doing for the next three and a half years.  He'll be continuing to study at Bible college, finishing off his degree.  These remaining three and a half years while we're still in this new city that isn't home yet, I have no certainty about what I'll be doing with my days in any of that time.