When life is hard

Generally I like my life.  Sure, more storage space in my house would be nice, but I can’t really complain about my life. 

But when life is hard (read: I have any sort of deadline coming up) I sometimes wish that I didn’t exist.  Or, more like I wish that I was a bird or a tree and didn’t have to do things like exams.  I just want to escape. 

Last night I had a panic/depressed/pessimistic moment about my upcoming exams and the study that I’ve done.  I don’t feel I know my material like I should, there’s not enough time to learn it properly, and I feel like I don’t know enough to do my exams. 

But when the thought of being a bird came into my head last night it fizzled out.  I realised that the escape–my–life–and–its–problems feeling wasn’t there.  It’s not just my life that I’m in charge of at the moment.  I’m supporting another little life inside of me.  I couldn’t wish to not exist because a little life relies on me to exist. 

Of course, I know that it is God who sustains our baby but my involvement in this has changed my outlook on when life is hard.  I am humbled.  I am maturing.  I’m not so focused on myself.  Life is more than just these upcoming exams. 

I’m glad that this exam period is my last.  I’m sick of study–stress.  But I have to get through four exams before it’s over.  Please pray for me as I study, and for my memory during exams.  I don’t know if I have baby–brain (yet?), but it’s a convenient excuse if I don’t do well in my exams.  But I don’t want to have to use it.  I want to finish college well and be satisfied with my exam efforts. 

I am reminded by a friend who also posted about exam study today that while exam results are correlated with my effort, life results are not.  It’s incredibly freeing that none of my effort counts when it comes to God.  I don’t have to worry about if I’ve worked hard enough, or performed well enough.  I don’t have to wish for an escape when I feel like I’m failing.  Jesus has done all that is necessary for my salvation and my everlasting with God.  Hallelujah!

The end of the last three years

This is my final week of college classes.  I’ve been here before of course.  This started out as a one year project, but it joyfully turned into three. 

Mostly it felt like a normal week.  I feel like it should be more than this.  But classes go on as normal, they just might end in applause if it’s our last lecture in that subject.  I want to savour my time but I don’t really know how to do it.  

J kept coming up with all the things that are my last.  Last Ethics lecture, last chaplaincy group, last split chapel, last return thanks (prayer at the end of lunch).  This was a good reminder, but it never felt like the last to me.  There have been a few things that have helped.  We had breakfast in our chaplaincy group this week, and prayed for our chaplains.  Tonight is the farewell for the women (students and wives) who are leaving college. 

I have mixed feelings about finishing college.  I’m sad about leaving friends and daily in-depth focus on my faith.  I'm glad to leave essays and exams behind me.  I’m looking forward to next year with a mix of excitement and nerves.  

Partly it doesn’t feel finished because I still have 4 exams to get through.  They are a daunting prospect. 

There’s really no resolution to this post.  I don’t quite know how to feel about this week.  How do you deal with endings?

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for:

Exams are over now!
This week was exam week, and though we second years only had two exams I feel like I’ve been on the back foot the whole time.  I started study week with a cold and it lasted longer than that so my study has been slow and struggled.  So I’m thankful that now as I post this exams are finished!

Two wonderful years of marriage
On Monday J and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary.  We had an exam in the morning so we left the celebrations for the evening (and prepared during the afternoon!).  J made me a lovely dinner (chicken schnitzel and apple sauce) and dessert (salted nutella-chocolate tarts!).  He set the table with a new table cloth and placemats (all cotton, as the traditional second anniversary gift) and we exchanged presents after dinner.  I love how well he knows me, and the love and care he has shown me over the last two years.  Thanks for a wonderful marriage, my husband!

The Reformation
Monday’s exam was Church History, and we’ve been studying the Reformation this year.  I didn’t enjoy studying history at school, but I’ve loved church history at college!  I’m thankful that the church was reformed and as a result of it we have the Bible in our native languages (and we’re allowed to read it!), and we don’t trust in our own merit to save us but rely on the grace of God that through our faith we are saved.  Thank you God for the Reformation!

What are you thankful for this week?

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for these things:

A hen’s weekend in Adelaide
I’ve already talked about it here.  It was lovely to go to Adelaide and spend some time with my family as well as some friends for the hen’s event.  I am thankful that we had the money to fly me there for the weekend, and that my family was so generous with picking me up and dropping me at the airport, as well as with quick dinners, gifts and hot chocolates.  I’m thankful for the friendships I have with the girls I spent the weekend with and the fun that we had together.  I’m thankful that my dear friend is getting married and that I am able to support and help her as she prepares for her marriage. 

Studying with my husband
I love that J and I are studying the same course and almost all the same subjects.  This not only means that we can study together and help each other out, but our holidays also happen at the same time and we’re both really looking forward to them! 

My women’s Bible study group
Our college organises women’s Bible studies for the female students and wives of students.  I’m in one of the groups that meets at our college community.  So I only have to walk over to the next block of units to get to Bible study!  I’ve been in one of these groups since we got here and have loved it.  It has been a great way of getting to know some of the other wives in our community here, and a great encouragement to me.  All of the women are godly and switched-on theologically.  This week was the last week that we met for this term and so we had an end of term party of sorts.  We each brought along a recommendation.  More on that later!

What are you thankful for this week?

The perks of exams

We're in the middle of exams at college at the moment.  Well okay, it's only the start of exam week, but I've already have two exams, and have two more left, so it's the middle for me.

I've now done exams at three different institutions: my high school, my undergraduate university, and now Bible college.  The procedure has been different for each of them.  Of the three, college has been by far the best.  Let me tell you why.