Generally I like my life. Sure, more storage space in my house would be nice, but I can’t really complain about my life.
But when life is hard (read: I have any sort of deadline coming up) I sometimes wish that I didn’t exist. Or, more like I wish that I was a bird or a tree and didn’t have to do things like exams. I just want to escape.
Last night I had a panic/depressed/pessimistic moment about my upcoming exams and the study that I’ve done. I don’t feel I know my material like I should, there’s not enough time to learn it properly, and I feel like I don’t know enough to do my exams.
But when the thought of being a bird came into my head last night it fizzled out. I realised that the escape–my–life–and–its–problems feeling wasn’t there. It’s not just my life that I’m in charge of at the moment. I’m supporting another little life inside of me. I couldn’t wish to not exist because a little life relies on me to exist.
Of course, I know that it is God who sustains our baby but my involvement in this has changed my outlook on when life is hard. I am humbled. I am maturing. I’m not so focused on myself. Life is more than just these upcoming exams.
I’m glad that this exam period is my last. I’m sick of study–stress. But I have to get through four exams before it’s over. Please pray for me as I study, and for my memory during exams. I don’t know if I have baby–brain (yet?), but it’s a convenient excuse if I don’t do well in my exams. But I don’t want to have to use it. I want to finish college well and be satisfied with my exam efforts.
I am reminded by a friend who also posted about exam study today that while exam results are correlated with my effort, life results are not. It’s incredibly freeing that none of my effort counts when it comes to God. I don’t have to worry about if I’ve worked hard enough, or performed well enough. I don’t have to wish for an escape when I feel like I’m failing. Jesus has done all that is necessary for my salvation and my everlasting with God. Hallelujah!
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